mandolynn
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." Mark Twain
Toxic Friends
friendsThis has been on my mind for a while so I thought I would write about it and see if anyone has any comments. Perhaps I was too harsh with my friend, but I think you reach a point in some relationships where you just have to admit defeat.
I have a co-worker who is in her mid-30's... I'm in my late 40's so we are not the same generation, really. But we became good friends anyway. Vicky is tender-hearted and funny and has a lot of good qualities. She does annoy people, though, because she is very needy. Except she really isn't. What I mean is, she constantly seeks reassurance that she is doing things correctly when she already knows that she is. And even when she's doing something new, her judgment is very sound and she has a lot of common sense and attention to detail, so she's almost always doing things right. Or if she isn't, when she explains why she did what she did, it makes perfect sense. based on what she knew at the time. So she is not REALLY needy, but she likes to have the validation anyway.
I like Vicky a lot, and I don't even mind the neediness (although I do tend to speak sharply to her and I don't like myself like that, but eventually you just need to say "Oh, for crying out loud!" or you'll go nuts with all her questions.) But there's always been one very large stumbling block in our relationship and that is her complete inability to keep a date. Vicky's idea of being somewhere on time is to call you five minutes before she's supposed to meet you to tell you why she's running two hours behind. I told her flat out before that I feel this constant lateness is a bid for attention. "If you're never where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there, then you are always the center of attention," I told her once. Her solution was that we stop trying to do fun things together. Sad solution, but there it was.
So for a long time, we just didn't go places together. But then there a couple of events that we both would enjoy came along and so we tried getting together to go to them and it went pretty well. I had some hopes that she was maturing. Also, her supervisor got more strict about her overtime and so she stopped working so many hours, which helped some because she was getting more rest. Because Vicky's big thing is not being able to get up on time. And by on time, I don't mean 6:30 am or something. She works the night shift, like me, and though she is married, she has no kids so she can pretty much get up when she pleases most days. Even so, getting up is a HUGE obstacle for her.
Back in September, one of my friends that had gone with me on the Isle Royale work trip sent a little homemade video of the trip to me on DVD. I didn't want to bore that many people with it, but I thought maybe I could get Vicky to watch it with me, so I went to invite her to come to my cubicle on her lunch hour. "Bring your supper to my desk and we'll watch this video," I told her.
Well, immediately she started whining. She didn't feel well. Her boss gave her too much work (although she is always crying for more overtime.) The test she did last night failed. She had to go to sample storage. Etc, etc. "It sounds like you need to take a rest at lunch," I said lightly. "Come over anyway." She said okay. But of course, she didn't come.
Weeks went by and she never came over to say "sorry I couldn't make it, can we do it another time." I could have gone to her lab but I was sulking. She didn't seem to notice. Once we bumped into each other while working and she started in telling me all her family's issues without giving me a chance to get a word in edgewise, so I didn't bother. I just nodded and went on with my work. My birthday came and went without a card or anything from her, so I followed her cue and ignored hers as well.
Then suddenly, out of the blue, she came and found me one night at work. "I want to go out for a Christmas lunch with you," she said.
I was so HAPPY. For once, I didn't have to issue the invitation! For once, she was taking the initiative and promising to meet me somewhere for something fun. (Because whenever we did anything, it always had to be me driving it. She would never take the responsibility.) "That would be great!" I said. "I'd love that!" So we made a date for 11:30 am the following Wednesday.
Wednesday morning came. I got up early. I got ready. I rearranged my day to free the time we had set up for lunch even though I had lots of things to do to get ready for the kittens. At 10:30 the phone rang and I didn't even have to pick it up but I did anyway. There was Vicky in her whiny little girl voice. "I had to work SO LATE last night," she whined. "I just CAN'T get up. Can we go next week instead?"
I said yes and hung up. But all day I was in a bad mood. And I was still in a bad mood that night at work. And I thought, this has gone on long enough. So I called her into my lab where we couldn't be overheard and I told her that I was done. Just done. "You have jerked me around for the last time," I told her.
She looked at me blankly, like she had no clue. "How did I jerk you around," she said. I just looked at her. Duh. Then she added, "I didn't mean to." And in her mind, that solved everything.
But not to me. "Vicky, do you ever stop to think how other people feel when you constantly break your promises? It says to the other person, 'I don't value you.' Do you not get that?"
More blank looks.
I sighed. "We're just done here. It's not worth being jerked around like this." Then I went on about my business and left her standing there with her mouth open.
It makes me sad, but sometimes you just have to admit defeat and give up. Vicky isn't going to change, and I don't have time to keep following this trail of broken promises anymore. Sometimes you just have to admit that the friendship is toxic and cut your losses.
I have a co-worker who is in her mid-30's... I'm in my late 40's so we are not the same generation, really. But we became good friends anyway. Vicky is tender-hearted and funny and has a lot of good qualities. She does annoy people, though, because she is very needy. Except she really isn't. What I mean is, she constantly seeks reassurance that she is doing things correctly when she already knows that she is. And even when she's doing something new, her judgment is very sound and she has a lot of common sense and attention to detail, so she's almost always doing things right. Or if she isn't, when she explains why she did what she did, it makes perfect sense. based on what she knew at the time. So she is not REALLY needy, but she likes to have the validation anyway.
I like Vicky a lot, and I don't even mind the neediness (although I do tend to speak sharply to her and I don't like myself like that, but eventually you just need to say "Oh, for crying out loud!" or you'll go nuts with all her questions.) But there's always been one very large stumbling block in our relationship and that is her complete inability to keep a date. Vicky's idea of being somewhere on time is to call you five minutes before she's supposed to meet you to tell you why she's running two hours behind. I told her flat out before that I feel this constant lateness is a bid for attention. "If you're never where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there, then you are always the center of attention," I told her once. Her solution was that we stop trying to do fun things together. Sad solution, but there it was.
So for a long time, we just didn't go places together. But then there a couple of events that we both would enjoy came along and so we tried getting together to go to them and it went pretty well. I had some hopes that she was maturing. Also, her supervisor got more strict about her overtime and so she stopped working so many hours, which helped some because she was getting more rest. Because Vicky's big thing is not being able to get up on time. And by on time, I don't mean 6:30 am or something. She works the night shift, like me, and though she is married, she has no kids so she can pretty much get up when she pleases most days. Even so, getting up is a HUGE obstacle for her.
Back in September, one of my friends that had gone with me on the Isle Royale work trip sent a little homemade video of the trip to me on DVD. I didn't want to bore that many people with it, but I thought maybe I could get Vicky to watch it with me, so I went to invite her to come to my cubicle on her lunch hour. "Bring your supper to my desk and we'll watch this video," I told her.
Well, immediately she started whining. She didn't feel well. Her boss gave her too much work (although she is always crying for more overtime.) The test she did last night failed. She had to go to sample storage. Etc, etc. "It sounds like you need to take a rest at lunch," I said lightly. "Come over anyway." She said okay. But of course, she didn't come.
Weeks went by and she never came over to say "sorry I couldn't make it, can we do it another time." I could have gone to her lab but I was sulking. She didn't seem to notice. Once we bumped into each other while working and she started in telling me all her family's issues without giving me a chance to get a word in edgewise, so I didn't bother. I just nodded and went on with my work. My birthday came and went without a card or anything from her, so I followed her cue and ignored hers as well.
Then suddenly, out of the blue, she came and found me one night at work. "I want to go out for a Christmas lunch with you," she said.
I was so HAPPY. For once, I didn't have to issue the invitation! For once, she was taking the initiative and promising to meet me somewhere for something fun. (Because whenever we did anything, it always had to be me driving it. She would never take the responsibility.) "That would be great!" I said. "I'd love that!" So we made a date for 11:30 am the following Wednesday.
Wednesday morning came. I got up early. I got ready. I rearranged my day to free the time we had set up for lunch even though I had lots of things to do to get ready for the kittens. At 10:30 the phone rang and I didn't even have to pick it up but I did anyway. There was Vicky in her whiny little girl voice. "I had to work SO LATE last night," she whined. "I just CAN'T get up. Can we go next week instead?"
I said yes and hung up. But all day I was in a bad mood. And I was still in a bad mood that night at work. And I thought, this has gone on long enough. So I called her into my lab where we couldn't be overheard and I told her that I was done. Just done. "You have jerked me around for the last time," I told her.
She looked at me blankly, like she had no clue. "How did I jerk you around," she said. I just looked at her. Duh. Then she added, "I didn't mean to." And in her mind, that solved everything.
But not to me. "Vicky, do you ever stop to think how other people feel when you constantly break your promises? It says to the other person, 'I don't value you.' Do you not get that?"
More blank looks.
I sighed. "We're just done here. It's not worth being jerked around like this." Then I went on about my business and left her standing there with her mouth open.
It makes me sad, but sometimes you just have to admit defeat and give up. Vicky isn't going to change, and I don't have time to keep following this trail of broken promises anymore. Sometimes you just have to admit that the friendship is toxic and cut your losses.
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